Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships. Part 4.

In Part 4 of Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships, we’ll explore how couples can replace detrimental communication patterns with deep, meaningful connections.

In Parts 1, 2, and 3, Linda was frustrated with Larry because he didn’t clean out the garage like he promised. Linda used a withdrawal/attack conflict management mode, and Larry used a withdrawal strategy. Linda learned how the human brain functions when threatened. Then, she learned how to self-soothe. She developed a relationship between her Wise Self and her vulnerable Inner Child instead of attacking Larry. Here’s the next phase.

Here are 8 steps for conscious conflict management.

1.     Catch yourself when you react with automatic fight-flight behaviors. Don’t let your parts act out. Pause and pivot.
2.     Self-soothe for a minimum of 20 minutes. Get back in your zone of resilience.
3.     Shift your mindset. Stop blaming your partner. Look within to examine yourself.
4.     Explore: What vulnerable wounded parts are hidden underneath your reactive fight-flight protector parts?
5.     Be mindful: Observe your inner parts without judgment. Be curious and compassionate. What are your inner family parts doing and saying? Take responsibility for healing your inner parts.
6.     Speak FOR your parts, not FROM your parts. Don’t dismiss your parts by suppressing them or repressing them. That does not help them heal. It just sends them underground.
7.     Ask your spiritual connection and your Wise Self to help you become more self-aware. Stay centered in your zone of resilience while you explore your parts.
8.     It helps to journal this process in the beginning until you can gain more mastery. A therapist trained in Internal Family Systems can help you develop these skills.

Let’s see how this process might unfold using the example of Linda’s frustration with Larry for not cleaning out the garage.

The Pattern

Linda had a habit of stuffing her feelings until so much pressure built up that she harped at Larry. He’d apologize to get the heat off, promise to do better, and then not follow through on his commitments. After expressing her exasperation, she felt guilty for criticizing Larry. The pattern repeated itself.

Here’s a healthier way to manage this conflict.

a.     Linda notices her pattern. She catches herself getting annoyed (her fight-attack mode), but then she goes quiet (her flight-withdrawal mode).
b.     She meditates to calm down for 20 minutes. She gets back in the zone of resilience so she can think clearly. Her body relaxes.
c.     She stops blaming Larry and gets curious about her inner parts that want to go into fight and flight mode.
d.     She mindfully observes her reactive inner protector parts and gives them names. She writes in her journal:

• Kind part: This part says that it believes that it is not loving to attack Larry. She loves him. She doesn’t want to bother him with her feelings of annoyance. This part wants to avoid conflict, so she stays quiet.
• Annoyed part: This part is fed up with having to be the responsible one. She carries a lot of weight on her shoulders while Larry shirks responsibilities.

Having uncovered her parts, Linda can speak FOR her parts instead of FROM her parts.

Before Linda talks with Larry, she wants to understand what motivates these protector parts. She discovers two things:

• Underneath the kind avoidant part is a hidden inner child. She is scared that if she raises a conflict with Larry that he will distance from her. This inner child is scared of abandonment. Actually, Linda has been abandoning this part. She has been ignoring this part of her by using “kindness” and conflict avoidance. This child part feels insecure and all alone. This child doesn’t have a relationship with Linda’s Wise Self and God.
• Underneath the annoyed part is another hidden child: As long as the responsible part continues her job, Linda feels strong. She believes she MUST be responsible or else the whole house of cards will fall apart. If Larry won’t support her by sharing responsibilities, she must do it herself. There’s an exiled wounded child covered by this part who feels unloved. She doesn’t know how to speak up and say how she feels, or ask for what she wants. It’s not safe to do that. She stays hidden underneath the strength of the responsible part. Linda has abandoned this part of herself. This part doesn’t have a relationship with Linda’s Wise Self and God.

Linda promises these wounded parts that she’ll befriend them and help them heal. At first, she doesn’t know how to do this, so she attends therapy sessions to guide her through the process. Using Brainspotting [link to article], focused mindfulness, and Internal Family Systems internal dialogue, she develops a relationship between her inner parts and her Wise Self, who is connected to God. This RELATIONSHIP helps her parts feel seen, safe, and secure. They’re no longer alone. The protector parts don’t feel compelled to do their automatic behaviors. They relax and take a step back.

As the wound parts heal over several therapy sessions, Linda feels more comfortable sharing these parts with Larry.

I coach Linda:

Behaving from your reactive protector parts activates Larry’s protective parts, and they spin around in a dysfunctional pattern. That’s how you both stay on the surface of your perpetual conflict.

Vulnerability pulls for empathy. Be transparent. Share your inner parts when you are ready.

Linda summons the courage to speak FOR her tender parts that have been hiding.

Linda: Larry, I’d like to talk with you. May I have your undivided attention for an hour? Is this a good time, or shall we make a date?

Larry: I can talk now. What’s up?

Linda: I want to talk about our repeated conflict where I want you to do more household chores, you say you will, but you don’t follow through. This time, I’d like to talk at a deeper level than I have before and share what’s under the surface for me. I am not going to attack you like I have before. I promise.

Larry: OK. I’m listening.

Linda: Well, this is a little scary for me to say because I haven’t talked with you at this level before. Can you be patient and empathetic with me?

Larry: I’ll try. Thanks for letting me know what you need. I’m here for you. Take your time.

Linda: Thanks, that feels reassuring. She takes a deep breath. I’ve discovered that I have a pattern of stuffing my emotions when you don’t do what you promise. Part of me wants to be kind and doesn’t want to be critical. I love you so much. I hate conflict. So, I go quiet.

But, then the pressure builds up over time. Another part of me, the Critic, can’t keep it in any longer. She reaches the boiling point. This part feels justified in haranguing you with her frustration. Underneath is a hidden part. She feels unloved by you. I have judged that part of me as bad and weak. I have pushed this part of me away, and I don’t reveal her to you.

After I complain to you, you agree that you should be more responsible, and you promise to do better. The Critic feels relieved, but doesn’t trust that you’ll follow through.

I now see that underneath the kind part that goes quiet is a scared inner child. She is scared that if she speaks up, you’ll reject her. I’ve been pushing her away, so she feels totally alone and abandoned. I can understand that now.

I haven’t been able to communicate with you from the deepest part of me because I didn’t know this was going on with me. Now I do, and I want you to know what comes up for me when you say you’ll do something and you don’t. The scared part of me wants to hide. I’ve been building bridges with her and helping her heal. She is less scared, and I have more courage to share my vulnerable feelings with you. You are so important to me. Feeling close to you is so important to me. I didn’t see how I was pushing you away. I didn’t see how I was pushing part of me away. Now, I do. I want us both to communicate from this deeper level. Would you like that, Larry?

Larry: It helps me to understand you when you talk about the parts of you. I don’t feel attacked now. Thank you for being open. This helps me want to share more with you. I don’t want you to feel scared inside, and I certainly don’t want you to feel scared of me. What can I do to help you feel safer?

Linda: You can be understanding, like you are now. I need you to empathize with me. Can you see how when you don’t do what you promise, a part of me feels scared that she can’t rely on you … that she can’t trust you?

Larry: Yes, I can feel how you shrink back from me when you feel scared that I’m not there for you. You want me to be your rock, someone you can count on. I have not provided that when I don’t do what I say I will do. I can see why you get scared. I see how you go quiet to avoid a conflict, and then you boil over with complaints. I understand.

Linda: Thanks. It feels good for you to empathize with me. I feel my body relaxing a bit now. It would help me if you would keep doing this when I bring you a request or a complaint. It feels like you are turning toward me, and that helps my inner parts feel safe. That’s the first step.

Larry: I’ll do my best to turn toward you and follow through on what I say I’ll do. I’ll explore the parts of me that don’t follow through. I wonder what motivates them? Maybe we can take a look together, or maybe I’ll get some individual therapy. I know that therapy has helped you a lot. Maybe we can go together. Would you like that?

Linda: Oh, I would. That would make me feel supported. Would you really do that for me, for us?

Larry: Yes, I see how important this is to you, and I like feeling closer to you. I don’t want this repeating pattern to continue either. I haven’t known how to break the cycle. I’m willing to do my part and look at a deeper level.

Linda: Thank you so much. Let’s find a couple’s counselor.

Larry: Yes, let’s. What’s the first step?

Linda: I’ll ask my therapist for referrals. Let’s make a list of action steps, who will do what and designate timelines. Let’s be accountable to each other. Is that OK with you?

Larry: Yes, I’m good with that. I’ll do my best to follow through on what I say I’ll do. Let’s set up a meeting twice a week to track our progress.

Linda: Thanks for suggesting that. I feel like you are taking more responsibility now. I feel so much better now. I love you, Larry.

She gives him a big hug, and he warmly embraces her.

Conclusion

This is one example of how couples can build bridges to manage conflict effectively. Professional counseling helps couples master the process. Each learns how to become more self-aware, how to take responsibility for healing their inner parts, and how to support each other in their mutual growth. They learn how to speak for their vulnerable parts. This process promotes intimacy with your Wise Self, with your spiritual connection, and intimacy with your beloved.

This 4-part series, Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships, draws from several theories and techniques.

Suggested Reading

·       You Are the One You’ve Been Waiting For: Applying Internal Family Systems to Intimate Relationships. Richard Schwartz
·       Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. Sue Johnson
·       The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John Gottman and Nan Silver
·       Brainspotting: The Revolutionary New Therapy for Rapid and Effective Change. David Grand

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self, available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

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