Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships. Part 1

To love and be loved—it’s what we all desire in our most meaningful relationships. If you’re experiencing conflict in your romantic relationship, I know how exhausting and frustrating it can feel, especially when those disagreements seem to repeat themselves over and over.

Why do we fall into unhealthy patterns in our relationships, and how can we break free from them? In this first article of a four-part series, I’ll explain why these conflicts happen, and then I’ll offer insights on how to escape the cycle.

Let’s take a look at a common scenario.

A Real-Life Example: The Garage Conflict

Helen asks her husband, Harry, to clean out the garage. He agrees, but as time passes, nothing changes. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. It’s become a regular frustration.
Helen feels exasperated. Why does she always have to be the responsible one? As she confronts him, anger and frustration bubble up. Harry apologizes, but nothing shifts. The tension only grows, and Helen feels powerless.

This is where patterns in conflict come into play. According to Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), couples often respond to conflict in one of two ways: by attacking or withdrawing. The dynamics between Helen and Harry reflect a pattern many couples experience.

In this case, they fall into what’s called the attack-withdrawal pattern.

Helen brings up the issue in an accusing way (attack). Harry, instead of addressing her concerns, deflects with apologies or placating behavior (withdraw). Over time, these repeating cycles of miscommunication and emotional disconnection deepen the frustration.

An experienced Emotionally Focused Couple therapist doesn’t just focus on one person’s behavior; they watch the entire “dance” between the two. How does one partner react when the other stumbles? Do they criticize, or do they help their partner return to balance?

The Four Horsemen of Relationship Conflict

Dr. John Gottman, a leading expert on relationships, identified four key behaviors that predict divorce if there is no effective repair. These behaviors all involve some form of attack or withdrawal:

1. Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character instead of addressing the issue. (“You always…” or “You never…”)
2. Defensiveness: Defending yourself against attacks instead of acknowledging your partner’s feelings. (“It’s not fair…” or “That’s not what I meant!”)
3. Contempt: Belittling or mocking your partner, often with sarcasm, insults, or hostile humor.
4. Stonewalling: Withdrawing emotionally or physically from the conversation—silent treatment, changing the subject, or walking away.
These four behaviors create a toxic cycle that leaves both partners feeling disconnected and misunderstood.

The Wall Between You

Sometimes, conflict doesn’t look like angry outbursts or shouting matches. Sometimes, it looks like silence. And when silence becomes the default response, a wall slowly builds between partners.

Here’s a poem that captures this withdraw-withdraw pattern:

The Wall

Their wedding picture mocked them from the table,
These two whose minds no longer touched each other.
They lived with such a heavy barricade between them that
Neither battering ram of words nor
Artillery of touch could break it down.
Somewhere, between the oldest child’s first tooth
And the youngest daughter’s graduation, they lost each other.
Throughout the years, each slowly unraveled that
Tangled ball of string called Self.
And as they tugged at stubborn knots,
Each hid his searching from the other.
Sometimes she cried at night
And begged the whispering darkness
To tell her who she was.
He lay beside her,
Snoring like a hibernating bear,
Unaware of her winter.
Once, after they had made love,
He wanted to tell her how afraid he was of dying.
But, fearing to show his naked soul,
He spoke instead about the beauty of her breasts.
She took a course in modern art,
Trying to find herself in colors
Splashed upon a canvas,
And complained to other women
About men who are insensitive.
He climbed into a tomb called the office,
Wrapped his mind in a shroud of paper figures
And buried himself in customers.
Slowly, the wall between them rose,
Cemented by the mortar of indifference.
One day, reaching out to touch each other,
They found a barrier they could not penetrate.
And recoiling from the coldness of the stones,
Each retreated from the struggle on the other side.
For when love dies,
It is not in a moment of angry battle,
Nor when fiery bodies lose their heat.
It lies, panting, exhausted…
Expiring at the bottom of the wall
It could not scale.
Author Unknown

Can you see what’s missing in these situations? Vulnerability. When we fail to share our most vulnerable feelings—our fears, disappointments, or needs—emotional walls begin to rise, and the connection between partners fades.

What’s Next?

In Part 2 of this series, we’ll dive deeper into how you can begin to navigate these rocky waters. You’ll discover strategies to re-center yourself and access the inner wisdom that helps you reconnect with your authentic self.

Remember, love isn’t about avoiding conflict—it’s about learning how to engage with it in a way that brings you closer rather than pulling you apart. Together, you can overcome challenges, as long as you’re both committed to understanding and supporting each other through the process.

Contact Information

Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.

She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self, available on Amazon.

Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.

Benita Esposito’s credentials

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