Building Bridges, Not Walls: Navigating Conflict in Relationships. Part 3
In Part 3 of the “Building Bridges, Not Walls” series, the focus shifts to how vulnerability and self-awareness play a key role in improving conflict resolution in relationships. You’ll see how Linda learns the importance of managing her internal conflict before she talks with her husband. She learns to love herself and receive unconditional love from her spiritual connection. She frees herself from the prison of thinking that Larry is responsible for her happiness.
Part 1 covered common conflict patterns like the “attack-withdraw” cycle. Part 2 explored why we get emotionally triggered and introduced strategies for grounding and reconnecting with the Authentic Wise Self. This laid the foundation for effective conflict management.
Section Four: The Move Toward Mastery – Unblending from the Inner Family Parts
Linda is a conscientious high-achiever. She wants to increase her sense of personal mastery when she interacts with her husband. To help her, I explained that Internal Family Systems suggests that there is an exiled Inner Child who hides underneath the protector parts.
Linda was emotionally triggered because of a repeated pattern in their marriage. She retorted, “I’m so frustrated that Larry won’t clean out the garage. Why can’t he be responsible and act like an equal partner with me?!” She blamed Larry. This is her “attack pattern” in the marriage.
Unknowingly, Linda was blended with her Inner Critic. Blended means that she didn’t realize that a part of her was triggered. She thinks she was that part. She was not seated in her Wise Self.
The therapeutic goal is for Linda to connect with her Wise Self and observe her inner parts. This is called mindfulness: to notice without judgment. The parts are not good or bad. I invited Linda to be curious and compassionate with all her inner parts and to unblend from them. Seated in her Wise Self, she can help her inner parts heal and resolve conflicts.
Linda’s Inner Critic is self-righteous. She feels justified in her “attack” behavior.
Linda asks the Inner Critic, “What purpose do you serve? What motivates you?”
The Inner Critic replies, “I’m here to make sure that things get done. Responsibilities need to be fulfilled. I make things work well.”
Linda’s Wise Self thanks the Inner Critic for its service and acknowledges its conscientiousness. The Inner Critic feels affirmed.
Linda asks, “What are you afraid would happen if you stepped back some? What if you didn’t work so hard? What if you weren’t so demanding?”
The Inner Critic replies, “Nothing would get done. Our house would fall apart. Everything would be disorganized. The bills wouldn’t get paid. We’re already in too much debt.”
Linda’s Wise Self offers, “What if I could help you find another way to get things done and not feel so distressed? Would you be open to that?”
The Inner Critic accepts, “Well, yes, I would. I don’t like feeling so frustrated. I feel like I’m nagging Larry. I don’t like that.
Linda’s Wise Self asks, “If you would agree to step back and not be so dominant, I’d like to meet with another part of the inner family. There is a part hiding in the basement who feels vulnerable. As long as you are the overriding part, we can’t access the one who is hurting, and we can’t help her heal. Unknowingly, you are protecting this part, keeping it hidden. If you would allow me to meet with her and help her heal, you wouldn’t have to work so hard at protecting her by fussing at your husband. Would you be willing step aside while I work with her?”
The protective part agrees to step back but not go away. It’s going to watch what the Wise Self does with the vulnerable part.
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“The cave you fear to enter holds the treasure you seek.” Joseph Campbell
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Section Five: Building the relationship between the Wise Self, God, and the vulnerable part.
Even if Larry doesn’t meet Linda’s needs the way she wants, her Wise Self can comfort her vulnerable part. She can feel whole as she connects with God.
The most enduring forms of love, inner peace, and power come from God, not from people.
The Wise Self and God can help the Inner Child feel seen, heard, and cherished. Right now, Linda’s Inner Child doesn’t feel any of these things.
There is no sense of secure attachment between Linda’s inner family members, her Wise Self, and God. This is the root of the problem, not that Larry won’t take responsibility.
Linda is just beginning to understand this. It’s a process that will require several therapy sessions.
The conversation between Linda’s Wise Self (who is connected with God) and the hurt Inner Child unfolds:
Inner Dialogue
Wise Self: I see you, little one. I’m right here beside you. You’re not alone.
Inner Child: Oh, my. I’ve never seen you before. Where did you come from?
Wise Self: I’ve been here all along, just like God has been with you all along. But now we’re opening the doorway so we can connect consciously – you and I. I’m inviting you to develop a relationship with us so that you don’t feel alone, abandoned, or neglected. Would you like that?
Inner Child, hesitating: Well, yes. I guess so. I don’t even know you.
Wise Self: It’s natural for you to be cautious. You need to check me out to see if you want a relationship with me. You need to know me over time to see if I understand you; to see if you can trust me. That makes perfect sense. Take all the time you need. I’ll be patient.
Inner Child: That makes me feel better. I don’t want to be rushed.
Wise Self: Of course, you don’t want to be rushed. Building trust is a slow process that takes time … like cooking beef stew in a crock takes all day. It’s a lot different than cooking a hamburger in 10 minutes. I have all the time in the world for you.
Inner Child: Well, this is really different. You are really different.
Wise Self: Yes, I offer you a new perspective, one that will help you feel comforted. In me, you have a shoulder to cry on. In me, you have a confidante. In me, you will find compassion. I am here to understand you and your needs and to help you feel safe. Safe to be you. Safe to be you with me and with God. Safe to be you with your husband. Safe to fully show up instead of hiding behind the Inner Critic. Would you like to feel safe like that?
Inner Child: Oh, yes, I would. But it seems impossible. I’ve never felt safe deep down inside. The protector part is what the world sees – big and strong and confident. I have felt so vulnerable and so alone all these years. I love Larry very much, but he doesn’t support me.
I am the main provider for our family. I feel exhausted, trying to keep all the plates spinning. There’s so much to do. I’ve been tired for years. My body aches. I feel powerless to get Larry to take more responsibility. I feel scared to tell him that I feel helpless. Sometimes, in my darkest hours, I feel hopeless. If I show how vulnerable I am, I’ll feel exposed, naked. If he doesn’t reach back to me and give me what I need, I’ll feel devastated. That would feel even worse. That’s why I stay quiet and hide. I let the Inner Critic take over and fuss at him.
Wise Self: Yes, I know. You have been hiding behind that strong, competent part. You let her handle life. She’s had a big job to do, protecting you. She’s done a good job, too. If we help you heal and feel safe, she won’t have to work so hard. She can step back. You’ll feel stronger and safer … safer to be you … safer to show up. Safer to set boundaries for work-life balance. I’ll help you learn how to get your needs met so you don’t have to keep hiding. Would you like that?
Inner Child: Yes, I would. Please help me.
End of dialogue.
This is the beginning of a new relationship between the Wise Self and the vulnerable Inner Child. Linda’s homework is to write inner dialogues a few times a week to develop this relationship. This is an essential part of the healing process.
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Six: Finding Solutions – How to Meet Unmet Needs
In Part 4, we’ll explore how each inner family part can get their needs met without attacking or withdrawing (pattern explained in Part 1 of this series).
What are the unmet needs of the scared Inner Child? To feel safe, seen, and heard. To be taken care of. Linda would like this from Larry. It would be great if Larry would do this, but it is not necessary for her sense of wholeness.
Linda can feel whole by getting her needs met through her Wise Self and God. She can participate in this inner healing process with her therapist, between sessions alone, or with a therapeutic group.
Remember, the first step is to take responsibility for healing your inner parts. This includes developing a spiritual relationship with the ultimate healer: your spiritual connection, which includes your Wise Self.The journey to mastering vulnerability is arduous, but the payoff can be life-changing. In Part 4, we’ll explore how couples can move beyond old patterns and create the deep, meaningful connections they’ve been longing for.
Contact Information
Benita A. Esposito is a licensed psychotherapist, spiritual counselor, life coach, and ordained minister.
She is the best-selling author of The Gifted Highly Sensitive Introvert: Wisdom for Emotional Healing and Expressing Your Authentic Self,available on Amazon.
Four decades ago, she earned a master’s degree in clinical psychology. How does her experience benefit you? You’ll make faster progress because of the wisdom she embodies. She quickly spots patterns to reach the bottom line so you don’t waste precious time. She follows a grace-filled Christian path that honors all faiths. For fun, she grows beautiful flower gardens. She loves to hike through forests to waterfalls. Her inner shutterbug shot most of the photos on this website.
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